Sunday, April 19, 2009

Porn...Yeah, I said porn.

So...not long ago the weekend girls talked me into attending Adultcon, a twice yearly adult entertainment convention at the Los Angeles Convention Center. We just called it the porn convention (usually in a whispered voice when no one was around).

It turns out that in this case, anticipation is the highlight of the event. We had foregone prior attendance because of the $35 price tag, but over 6 months curiosity got the best of us. Waiting in line for the half hour or so before the show we were transformed into giggly teenagers. There were repeated questions about whether we should just forget the whole thing. Still, curiosity.

At the end of the very long line of mostly twenty-something men (one of them positively giddy and trembling and dancing around) there was a security checkpoint. I've become accustomed to the metal detectors, wands, bag checks and occasional pat-down at the entry to sporting events, but I was not fully prepared for the Adultcon full body search. I had to remove everything from my pockets (and I mean everything). As one guy went through my stuff on the table another man did the body search. He ran he hands under my belt and patted me down from shoulders to feet. I hadn't even gotten into the porn convention and yet still I felt violated and used. The weekend girls loved it (and photographed it).

Once inside, we were a little disappointed. It wasn't very big (which seems ironic...if your mind is in the gutter and we're talking p0rn here so I know it is). The girls were perplexed by the swarms of men angling for pictures of the backsides of porn stars and even taking pictures of complete strangers getting massaged by three young women in their underwear. I kept saying, "They're men, they can't help it." This did not satisfy them.

It took us about an hour to make two laps of the convention. The highlights - penis lollipops, 3D High Definition porn (God help us all), a woman trying to sell the weekend girls some oral sex lube (of which she was most expressive in her delight and frequent use especially for the mint flavored), free rubber boobs and numerous television monitors of images we'd just as soon forget including an inexplicable scene of a young, Asian woman dressing and undressing that literally had men standing six inches in front of the screen. Also, porns stars - not always so great to see in person - ooooh!

The weekend girls were good enough to use their $5 tokens to buy me a little souvenir. They got me some bling. I'm now the proud owner of a "Big Daddy" necklace (refer to prior post "Big Daddy and the Fair" for the genesis of this little joke). Though I wore it all through the convention I haven't really used it since, but I carry it in my computer bag for emergency use.

At the end of it all, we quietly left the convention hall feeling dirty and shamed and strolled over to ESPN Zone for a stiff drink and tried to forget.

Net Worth

Some social commentary courtesy of WrongWayComics.com.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Ah, California

I have lived in California for 3 and half years. In this time I've come to love it's weather and a few of its inhabitants. It's also entertaining. That's it though.

It took the state 2 years to realize that my auto insurance company was not transmitting my insurance information to the state. Once they realized it, they revoked my registration and charged me $14 to get everything fixed.

It took the state 1 year to realize that I hadn't registered a vehicle that I sold. They still aren't sure I sold it, but they've decided that because the new owner hasn't registered the vehicle either that I should pay some fines, maybe have my wages garnished and as the lettered hinted, do my 45 minutes in jail like Paris Hilton. I can't spend more than 45 minutes in jail because there isn't any room and there isn't any money for new jails, or new police or to keep the roads in good repair or apparently to run the DMV.

Everyone knows the horrors of the DMV. It takes forever, the people aren't usually that nice and the first time I went there I spent $4000 because I had the gall to bring a vehicle into the state that I'd owned for less than a year (I got to pay the difference in sales tax between Kansas and California).

Recently, as the state government spun closer to bankruptcy they raised the sales tax, levied some new fees on doing just about anything, started taxing your sandwich at Subway if you want it toasted (not toasted and there's no tax) and the budget still isn't safe because the California government likes to do everything by ballot measure so I can vote for myself whether I want more taxes.

I plan to vote no to everything and pray that my state goes bankrupt. I know how to ride a horse and I have a saddle, so I don't need a smooth road. If the DMV can't afford to pay it's staff they'll stop threatening me. I'll have to live without the CHP, but the trusty LAPD might still be on the streets. I have no children going to school.

If I'm lucky, Congress will decide to sell California to China to pay down the debt. At least then I can expect an occasional shakedown from the government and be content knowing there is nothing I can do about it.